Author: kspeel

How to Think (and Live) in the Middle

At our practice, we often hear clients say things like: 

“I love my family, but they drive me crazy.” 

“I want to grow, but I’m scared to change.” 

“I like my job, but I also want something different.” 

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. These kinds of thoughts, where two things feel true at once, even if they seem to contradict, are actually a big part of something called dialectics, a core idea in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). 

So… What Are Dialectics? 

Dialectics is basically the art of holding two seemingly opposite truths at the same time. It helps us move out of all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking and into that messy, beautiful gray area where most of life actually happens. It’s not “either/or.” It’s “both/and.” 

Let’s look back at those examples—but switch out the word but with and: 

“I love my family, and I feel overwhelmed by them.” 

“I want to grow, and I’m scared of change.” 

“I like my job, and I want something different.” 

See how that small shift makes space for the whole truth? 

Here are a few more examples of dialectical thinking: 

“I’m mad at my friend, and I still care about them.” 

“I’m doing the best I can, and I want to keep improving.” 

“I want alone time, and I also want connection.” 

When we think this way, we open ourselves up to more self-compassion, more flexibility, and a whole lot less shame. 

Why Dialectics Matter 

When we get stuck in black-and-white thinking, it can leave us feeling conficted, overwhelmed, or like we’re failing somehow. Dialectics help us expand our view, reduce inner tension, and soften the pressure to always pick one side. They remind us: It’s okay to be a walking contradiction. It’s okay to feel more than one thing at once. In fact, it’s human. 

How to Start Thinking Dialectically 

Here are a few easy ways to bring more “both/and” into your life: 

Watch your “buts.” When you catch yourself saying “but,” try swapping it out with “and” to see how it feels. Ask what else might be true. If you’re stuck in “I’m right and they’re wrong” or “I’m a failure,” pause and ask: What might I be missing here? Is there another side to this? 

Let yourself feel multiple things. It’s okay to be grateful and grieving. Happy and anxious. Content and curious. Holding more than one feeling at a time is a superpower—not a flaw..

Validate your whole experience. You don’t have to cancel out one feeling to make space for another. They can all sit at the table. 

A Reminder 

Dialectical thinking can feel weird at first, especially if you grew up in environments where things were “right or wrong,” “good or bad,” or where your feelings were dismissed. Like any new skill, it takes time and practice. You’re not doing it wrong if it feels uncomfortable. You’re just learning. At our center, we believe real growth happens where acceptance and change meet. That’s the heart of DBT—and we’re here to support you every step of the way. Remember: you are doing the best you can, and you still have room to grow.

The Women’s Center for Behavioral Health serves many women that are suffering with ongoing mental health symptoms that don’t seem to improve with traditional therapy. We find that Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often under diagnosed which results in years of not getting the appropriate treatment. Have you ever wondered whether you have BPD? BPD is a complex mental health condition that affects millions of individuals worldwide. People with BPD often experience intense emotional instability, difficulty in maintaining relationships, and impulsive behaviors. Recognizing the symptoms of BPD is crucial for getting appropriate treatment in order to better understand oneself and get the best care. DBT has been highly researched and is determined to be the gold standard of treatment for borderline personality disorder.

The symptoms of borderline personality disorder include:

Emotional Instability and Intense Mood Swings:

One of the hallmark symptoms of BPD is the highly reactive and intense range of emotions experienced by those with this disorder. Individuals may feel intense anger, sadness, or anxiety that may suddenly shift to elation or euphoria. The emotional instability can cause impulsive and unpredictable behaviors, These mood swings can occur rapidly, sometimes within minutes or hours. This symptom can often be confused with bipolar disorder.

Fear of Abandonment:

People with BPD often harbor a fear of rejection or abandonment, which may stem from traumatic experiences or a disrupted attachment during childhood. This fear can lead to frantic efforts to maintain relationships, such as over reliance on partners and friends, intense jealousy, and an excessive need for reassurance. However, ironically, their intense and impulsive behaviors may inadvertently contribute to the instability in their relationships.

Unstable Self-Image:

Individuals with BPD frequently struggle with developing and maintaining a consistent sense of self. They may experience a distorted self-image, feeling uncertain about their goals, values, and even their identity. As a result, they may find themselves frequently changing jobs, career paths, appearance, or values in a search for stability and reassurance. This constant quest for identity can lead to confusion, indecisiveness, and feelings of emptiness.

Impulsive and Risky Behaviors:

Impulsivity is often seen in those with the diagnosis of BPD. This may manifest as reckless driving, substance abuse, binge eating, self-harm, unsafe sexual practices, or overspending. Engaging in such behaviors provides temporary relief from emotional distress but may exacerbate the individual’s overall well-being and disrupt their lives.

Intense and Unstable Relationships:

Difficulties in maintaining stable and healthy relationships are common among those with the diagnosis of BPD. Individuals may experience periods of idealization of a loved one, followed by sudden devaluation, leading to conflict and tumultuous breakups. These relationship difficulties can further reinforce their fear of abandonment and trigger self-destructive behavior, creating a cycle of instability.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness:

People with BPD may chronically experience a sense of emptiness or a feeling of being incomplete. This emotional void can drive individuals to engage in impulsive actions or seek out intense experiences to distract themselves from their inner turmoil. Despite their efforts, the feeling of emptiness often persists, contributing to further emotional distress.

These symptoms can make life painful and confusing. Once you schedule an intake appointment with the center, we will provide an assessment and evaluation to determine if this is the most appropriate diagnosis. Then we can begin the process of recovery and get on the path of healing.

It feels surreal that just last year we had our world turned upside down. It has felt like a long road for many of adjustments, loss, feelings of grief, and for some life altering changes. These changes have led many people to upend their life to try to find meaning and pleasure. It seems that what was once important was suddenly inconsequential. It is not uncommon during these times of great shifts to feel waives of grief and for some feelings of being lost. According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (2007) there are five stages of grief that people often experience after a loss which are denial (It won’t happen to me), anger(why is this happening to me), bargaining (if I just go out this one time without getting this disease), depression, and acceptance. We have all endured this great traumatic event collectively of loss of family members, friends, or even of the freedom to move about in the world unencumbered. Traumatic events like the pandemic can cause a sudden bought of emotion or memory flashes of what you’ve endured that bring on feelings of sadness. It’s important to know that all of these feelings are normal given the circumstances. Validate what you have been through and acknowledge that there was no one perfect way to handle the pandemic. Try to remember to be gentle and have patience with yourself as you reenter life. It is normal to feel anxiety during this transition but don’t let it paralyze you. Reach out for help if you need support with this transition. 

In this stressful time of uncertainty and fear it is important to focus on good self care to get through your day. This can be one way to add a sense of being in control of something. One such self care item is to both wake up and go to sleep at similar times each day. When we have more routine and structure it aids in feeling like life is more predictable and stable. In addition it is good to not isolate while you are social distancing. Reach out to family and friends by phone or zoom to keep in touch. Make sure you are taking good care of hygiene and getting enough exercise. Lastly it’s important to avoid dampening strong emotions with alcohol, drugs, or emotional eating. Look for hobbies and outlets that can help you stay feeling sane and at ease during this stressful time. Reach out if you feel we can help support you during this time.

According to the CDC, suicide is the leading cause of death in the United States. Often suicide is an attempt to solve a problem in ones life that is overwhelming. There are other ways to get through. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) uses a skills based approach to learn new ways to tolerate life when things are difficult. Please reach out for help if you are having suicidal thoughts by going to your nearest emergency room or by calling a support line. Both operate 24/7. Don’t suffer by yourself. There is help and you are not alone.
National Suicide Prevention 1800-273-TALK (8255)
Samaritans-talk or text line 877-870-HOPE (4673)

Dating in today’s world has evolved so much. Now people often search online to meet a partner. That gives you maybe a five second chance to make a great impression, before you are swiped away. Unless you have an amazing photo people may overlook you.
Once you decide to meet, it can be daunting to figure out what might be a red flag. Here is list of ten red flags that you should look out for:

1) They don’t ask you any questions about you. It’s important to notice if they are just nervous or instead more self-centered wanting to always talk about themselves.
2) They are critical of all of their ex partners and many of them are said to be “crazy”.
3) He or she expects you to do all of the work or invest the most energy in the relationship.
4) They are not respectful of your boundaries or your need for safety. Maybe they want to know where you live or very personal information too fast.
5) They are intense and move the relationship too fast.
6) Has too many things in common with you. Are they making these things up to manipulate you?
7) They often take a long time to text you back or respond to a telephone call with no explanation.
8) They complain about their life, job, family, ex’s, food, drink much of the time.
9) They are dismissive of your feelings or needs/wants.
10) Something feels off about them. It could be that what they are saying has inconsistencies or doesn’t add up. Always trust your intuition because the body usually is aware something is wrong before the mind catches up.
Any others that you have discovered?